Faith

Recovering Perfectionist

Inconsistency and fear. Those two words alone have cost me so much in my life. They have followed me into every stage of life and like a storm cloud have loomed over me.

Fear first…what will they think? What will she say about me? How will It look? What if I don’t do it right? What if I mess up? What if it isn’t the best? What if it’s not perfect? What if they see my flaws? What if I can’t do it? No matter what I am doing these words loom over me. I stop to listen and inconsistency sets in.

You see being a perfectionist, in my case, isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Quite the contrary- it has caused fear of failure, and thus fear of trying… and if I’ve tried, inconsistency, because then I fear what if it doesn’t work.

This doesn’t go away in my role as a mom or in all those goals I’ve set that I’ve walked away from. Many a times I have felt inept and inadequate. I think I am like Peter from the Bible.

Remember the Bible story where Jesus tells him to walk out onto the water? Peter is so zealous -“yes I’ll do it!” He exclaims. Goes in, all in, but then the inconsistency settles in. He stops looking at Christ for his all. The waves sure start to look big! ‘Wait walk on water that’s not possible, so I can’t possibly really be doing this!’…sinking…sinking…he begins to sink! Next he cries out for help …save me! Jesus sure does save him…

But have you felt like that in life. Held back by fear and inconsistency in a viscous cycle. You might be sinking, but rest assured He will save you. I have heard him whisper “focus on me.” So today I remind myself, and I remind you…focus on Him…when the waves rise, when the doubt comes gushing in with the fear, FOCUS! You can do it! You can accomplish those goals no matter how many times you haven’t been able to. Whatever it may be Focus on Him!

Index Card Battles

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Ever since I was a young girl, my mom taught me anytime I was afraid, at that time probably of the dark, to recite a Bible verse that was applicable- such as, “I will lie down and sleep in peace. O Lord you alone keep me safe.” Psalm 4:8

As I got older and faced different challenges, my mom would write down Bible verses for me on index cards as a reminder to use the verses to calm anxiety, rid myself of fear or have the courage to conquer goals head on.

The challenges, goals and life stages continued to evolve from the scary A.P. U.S. History Exams to facing the anxiety that comes from every new uncertain stage of life such as my first heartbreak, going to college, starting a career, facing peer pressures, facing head on situations of “life is not always fair”, getting married, loosing loved ones, becoming a new parent, helping people I love deal with difficult situations and so on…As the stage changed, the inscribed index card strategy still worked.

I heard someone say, “We can put on the armor of God, but without knowing His word we simply become a weighed down target for the enemy.”…If we don’t know His word, what is suppose to be an extremely powerful  weapon is simply an object we drag through life. Just imagine if our army was made up of men and women simply dressing the part and never  trained on the weapons they hold?!

If I do not cling to a Bible verse and recite it over and over, I have nothing to combat the dark thoughts that come with the giants or difficult days we all face. I found, for example, if I have thoughts of anxiety and I do not respond by submitting the negative thoughts and repeating a scripture, I instead, feed into those same ugly thoughts and unravel more and more anxiety. If I cut those thoughts down with a precise swing with my “Sword” of the Word saying something like,

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition,  with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

…The thoughts begin to dissipate because what is there left to say to the indisputable word of God?

I continue to learn my “weapon” and write applicable verses on index cards- I read them over and over until the cards are no longer necessary  because all the different verses become inscribed on my mind and heart. So today, along with my armor I cling to a verse to take me through this stage of life.