Motherhood

Mommy frustrations

Mommy friends have you been there? The sink is overflowing with dishes. The same load in the washer is ready for the 2nd time for the dryer because obviously you forgot yesterday and had to rewash! The baby is crying. The toddler needs to be given attention, but while you deal with the baby it’s a tv show. TV time again :/…an eternity later, baby is down for nap – now will you tackle the cleaning or relish in the quiet alone time with the toddler? The days are long and bedtime for the kiddos is around the corner. You start tasting the hubby adult conversation with no interruptions and the binge watching shows or reading that book you started but …. Your three year old wants one more story. He wants you to hold him to sleep, and the baby wants to nurse a little longer. You try to sneak out- they both wake up. Two hours later you’re out, tired and frustrated.

FRUSTRATED the first emotion I tend to feel when my kids don’t follow the schedule or plan. Come on kids! if you cooperate there is time for everything?! If they only understood we can have lesson time, and quiet alone play time, and cleaning time! hahaha!… I know, I know these tinies need me. I know the time will go too fast. And when the moment and emotions pass, I feel guilt for feeling the frustration, for not soaking in the cuddles without trying to suppress the frustration …and then I want to be more in those moments with those babies in my arms.

Not all days are like this. Some days are filled with only patience and more focus on the bliss and giggles, and cuddles and story times and healthy meals and park time and fun bath times…But I am also human made up of nerves on edge and impatience. I want quiet time, and hubby time and me time. I want my life to fit perfectly into a schedule. I want to perfectly categorize time and errands and tasks, and that none of them run and bleed and merge into each other to form my messy life. You see my frustration always stream from things not going the way I wanted them to. You would think that by being on this earth for 30 years the one thing I would of learned by now is, It is never going to go perfectly according to plan!

But to no avail I stress the little things! I live the cycle of mommy frustration then guilt. Thank goodness for God’s grace and new mornings or moments of reset. Deep breath, the dishes will be washed, the laundry will get done and sadly the babies will grow into adults and not need the cuddles and all the time. So for today the kitchen will be dirty, but my teething baby girl will be cuddled. My toddler may watch one too many shows for today, but tomorrow we will keep practicing our phonics and numbers. Take a deep breath with me, soak in your tinies and let out the frustration.

For Her

There is absolutely no doubt that becoming a mother changed me in more ways than I was prepared for. It expanded my heart, rearranged my priorities, caused me to self reflect and try to be better.

This all happened with my first born Jameson. I did all the self reflecting…How will I be better? How will I love him enough? How will we raise him to be a man of integrity? How will we rear him to become a genuinely good person?…But when I looked into Aila’s eyes, the self reflecting happened at a different level – my responsibility of being an example of a WOMAN weighed heavily. All my insecurities I had felt as a middle school girl, a high school teen, then a woman came flooding in. The ones of comparison, about not being thin enough, having acne, doing too much, not doing enough, not dressing stylish enough, not having hair like her, not being smart enough, not being pretty enough, and I can go on and on…….

I wanted to squish them ALL, annihilate every last insecurity. Because I never want my baby girl to feel them, to see herself in all the ugly ways I have seen myself or believed other’s saw me. I didn’t want her to measure her worth by how she compares to those around her.

Holding her in my arms and speaking gently to her was enlightening. This is the way I should talk to myself, I thought, the way I should love myself. You’re strong, beautiful for more than the outer appearance but for just being, and you can do absolutely anything. I realized I needed to live out these truths because in my lifetime, as my daughter watched me, my actions would drown out my words.

So now anytime I see pictures of me and the first thing I want to think is how fat I am …and I can’t believe I haven’t lost these pounds weeks after baby like EVERYONE else …and It’s a year later I can’t believe you still look like this!...I quiet my brain look at Aila and think, what would I tell her if she has a baby one day, and she is struggling to loose the extra weight?…I would hug her and tell her, you’re beautiful life is a process. You have a beautiful life filled with so many blessings. Love your baby, nourish her and nourish yourself. The rest will follow.

The next time you feel like you don’t measure up in any area talk to yourself the way you would talk to your child, with all the love and nurture you have within you.